i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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