You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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