Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
