I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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