sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
