it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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