I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
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