I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
