Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
