Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
