...so i touched it.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
