Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
