Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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