I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sponge bath it is.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
