Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
