my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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