the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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