five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
