you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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