Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
