What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
