If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
