I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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