I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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