I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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