remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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