Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
