your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
