And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
