My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
