i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
