Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So vagazzling was a success
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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