Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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