I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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