i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
