you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
