You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
