I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
