someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
