OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
