He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
