Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
false alarm, still single
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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