god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
