the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
