I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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