If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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