Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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