Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
