Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
