I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
