God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
