I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
