her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
