Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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