I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
